It has been a teary couple of days, triggered by reading of the death and stillbirth of a perfect little baby so close to home, in the hospital I used to work in, with one of my beloved mentors and past midwifery partners mentioned in the story of this precious being’s birth day. It took me right back to that feeling you have as a midwife when you know, you just know, and you often know right before the parents begin to understand what you know, what they then begin to know, what has happened, that their baby has died, that their world will never be the same again.
Grief is such a complicated state, there can be fifteen thousand layers to what comes up, but some things – as you all well know who have experienced this type of grief – some things are like pushing a big green button that just says “GO” – go grief – go for it, let it all flow, let it all burst forth, no holding back now…
For myself the layers, the frothy mess is often not tease-apartable, and there is no point in trying as it must all just run like a hydrant until the pressure decreases and the cap can be put back on.
So layer upon layer, what does it come down to – a much wanted baby’s life gone, the parents’ grief, the family’s sadness, the lost moments, so many ‘almost’ lives lived not on earth, so many dreams dreamt, and then so abruptly unraveled.
The hearts of the parents, the care providers, the grandparents, the aunts & uncles & siblings & friends – all stunned by the death of a baby, the loss of a child, all hearts broken to differing degrees, simultaneously.
What a lot of broken (open) hearts these babies create!
A phenomenon mirrored only in size and scope by the immense amounts of love they create as well – love so big that it has no option but to burst forth from these hearts, breaking them into so many pieces, the hearts closest to the source being of course the most full, the most broken wide open by the pressure of that mess of love when the unthinkable happens, when a baby dies.
So let the tears flow – these little beings, this massive love, we honour it all,
we honour it all.